Cold, maybe, but Hungry No More!

Akron, Ohio (2-21-2009)- The NEO Rock 'n' Roller Girls took the plunge, literally. For years, the Portage Lakes Polar Bear Jump has raised money for worthy causes. As the NEO girls aim to positively participate in their community, it seemed like a no brainer: let's jump into freezing cold water! Sounds easy, but breaking that ice was no picnic.
This year's charitable donation went to the Akron-Canton Regional Food Bank. For every dollar donated, 7 people can eat. Not bad, especially considering the jump raised over $22,000. Over two hundred jumpers bathed in the icy drink of Portage Lakes and we were there. Six of us to be exact. We raised just under $700, but the true dedication came when we had to line up on that pier. I say we because I was there in all my freezing-why-do-I-live-in-Ohio glory shivering on that platform waiting my turn to show the world that what I lack in common sense, I make up for in goose bumps.
As the jumpers registered they were given a number (mine was 117) and then we waited; huddled around the smoky warmth of the ad hoc camp fires and fleece blankets to keep even the tinniest shred of warmth about us. The DJ (a mentally twisted bloke) insisted on playing music that convinced your mind what you were about to do was nothing short of insanity. Songs like "Ice Ice Baby," and "You're as Cold as Ice," when all I wanted was the Beach Boys and "Heat Wave;" not that it would have helped. As families, friends and curious onlookers gathered around the boat launch, we the jumpers began to line up. Our crew, B.F. Goodbytch, Chrissie B. Hynde, Rowdy Cougar, Pepper Insult, Taking Names and I, had to wait until after the intermission, but it wasn't long until they were rounding 110 and we were being called up to "walk the plank."
Now to help you understand the scene, the jump took place between two boat docks roughly 15 feet apart. The workers had to cut a rectangle out of the ice and continue to move the ice that kept migrating back into the jump zone. For safety there were two dry-suited men, one bobbing continuously in the water while senseless people jumped around him. There was a ladder on the exiting platform for the jumper to climb out of the water and a gang plank that led to the "heated" tents where one would try to regain any concept of non-shivering.
B.F. went first. She made it look easy. She swam like Gertrude Ederle swam the English Channel. Chrissie went next and she made it look fun. Cougar was in front of me and she did the fake out "I can't go" but turned and made it look valliant. I was next. I tried not to think too much about the cold (which by now had increased exponentially with the hurricane like wind) and just focused on my exit strategy. I had to do Rodney Dangerfield a solid and performed the prep of the Triple Lindy, then did my best to splash those that weren't jumping. That's the last thing I remember for about 5 minutes. I've seen the video and it shows me going under and resurfacing in less than 2 seconds. I then swim to the ladder with ease and up and out I go off to enjoy the rest of the day. But in my mind it was much more tragic. I was sinking to the bottom of the lake. I didn't actually feel the cold. I didn't feel anything. It was just me and a greenish blue light that was slowly ebbing into black. There was soft music playing or maybe it was a whale song. All I know is that I was ready and I was at peace. Some force must have pushed me back toward the light as I blinked the icicles away from my eyelids and saw the afore mentioned rescue man bobbing away like a buoy. Why wasn't he helping me? Why is he telling me I'm fine? Clearly he can see that none of my mental powers over my body's actions were working. The cold clearly had interrupted all communication and the body was working on reflex. I swam with heavy stiff arms. I climbed with non-responsive legs that didn't stop clicking together. I was a cartoon version of myself with some creepy frozen smile on my face (I was trying to cry, but I'm sure I looked like I was overjoyed). I remember thinking that there were too many people between me and my father in-law who was holding my bag of dry clothes out to me (Virgil, you may have saved my life, if not my dignity). I scurried to the tent in dreams of walking into a sauna like bath house. Not so. There were more shivering naked men than... well, I'll keep this clean. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of shivering naked men and I was just trying to find a little corner where I could change (like a 10 year old at the beach; in complete cover of the towel) and get the ice out of my butt crack.
My son was completely impressed and awe-struck. My wife vowed never to mention being cold around me again. My derby family was that much closer and now the question on everyone's chapped lips: would I do it again?
Come out next year and find out.